Sunday, December 4, 2016

Because Spelunking Is A Perfectly Acceptable First Date!!

Romance comics have taught me a very important lesson:

It's a woman's job to adapt herself to a man's needs, not vice versa!

For example...


Yes, if a man gropes you without permission, it's 100% because you didn't develop a completely individualized script for your interactions with him, even if you've never been out with him before!! And you should know how he's going to take every single line that you utter!! You'd better have flowcharts for alternate conversational paths ready!!

Also, you should dress how the man likes to you to--a man will never change his dress for you!! AND YOU MUST KNOW THIS IN ADVANCE!!


Honey, you're better off without conservative Clyde...then again, "sporty" Stuart wears a tie while out for a walk...?

But we cannot stress enough--if you use the same sentence with more than one man...


He will go off to have a three-way with the trashy campus blonde!!

But perhaps our most important lesson?

If a guy invites you to go spelunking, YOU WILL DAMN WELL GO SPELUNKING...unless you want to be an old maid!!


So remember, ladies...

If you adapt yourself chameleon-like to your man, he might realize that he loves you for what you pretend to be!!

From Lovelorn #10 (1951)

Saturday, December 3, 2016

Luscious? Tempting? Appealing?

Man, I'd hate to have to tell these guys that "young Americans" aren't exactly "acclaiming" Tootsie Rolls these days, especially not as "the life of the party."

But all those Jimmy Olsens seem to like it...

From Lovelorn #10 (1951)

Friday, December 2, 2016

Friday Night Fights--Nazi Contortionist Style!!

We're getting goofy Golden Age style today, dear readers, for this week's Friday Night Fights!

The Angel was a pretty lame non-memorable hero--just some guy who put on a costume and fought bad guys. He had no powers (although at one point he got a magic caper that let him fly, because comics).

Anyway, dozens of scientists have gone missing, at the same time there have been unusual python
sightings (!?!):

See?

Anyhoo, the Angel goes to investigate...

"Ramsack"?? (OK, Merriam-Webster says that's a "dialectal variant" of ransacked, so I guess we'll let it pass...



YOW!!



WHAT?!?!

Oh my sweet lord...

But...

KNOCKOUT!!!

Spacebooger would like some background on this Python character:

Well, he looks like this...

...and this...

...and he's not really a snake, but...

O. M. G.

Nazi contortionist courtesy of Sub-Mariner Comics #2 (1941), by Paul Gustavson and George Mandell

Now is the time for you to go and vote for my fight. Why? I'm pretty certain that no other blog today has brought you a Nazi contortionist personally appointed by Hitler to impersonate a python. So go and vote!!


Friday Morning Quiz Time!!

Uncle Martin, everyone's favorite Martian, has a little quiz for you to ring in the weekend...Good luck!

From My Favorite Martian #4 (1965)

Thursday, December 1, 2016

Tales From The Quarter Bin--Toth Wheels!!

You know why I keep digging through quarter bins?

Education.

Because if I didn't spelunk through the refuse of comics that are too shoddy to bag & board, I never would have found this:

Yeah, yeah, so in 1970, DC had the Hot Wheels license. Big deal, right?

[BTW, where the hell are you, IDW? This license is just waiting there, fallow, keeping you from completing your quest to turn every childhood toy ever into a "connected universe." Get to work, people!!]

But perhaps you should look more closely at that cover, even though the signature is cut off...OK, how about from page 1?

Alex Freaking Toth wrote and drew Hot Wheels comic books.

And I never would have known that without the Quarter Bin.

Just watch Toth draw the living hell out of this car chase:



Dude.

There's a reason everyone is after this car...



Hot wheels, indeed.

This was the only story that Toth actually wrote, but he did do the art in the lead story for the first 5 issues of Hot Wheels. And most of the covers...



Neal Adams did one of the covers, too!!

And for the sixth and final issue, Adams got to do the art for the lead story. But perhaps more importantly, he did what just might be the greatest cover in the history of EVER:

Sweet Christmas!!!

Alex Toth and Neal Adams drawing the bejeesus out of Hot Wheels comic books...and I never would have known if it weren't for the Quarter Bin!!

When Does This Doctor Get His Own Movie?!?

Because some mornings...

...you just need to see a Walt Simonson-drawn Dr. Fate beat the crap out of a big-ass mummy!



BONUS: Joe Kubert cover!!

You're welcome.

From 1st Issue Special #9 (1975)

Wednesday, November 30, 2016

Best Cover You've Never Seen--The Brave & The Bold #106 (1973)

Not just for the obvious reason (Jim Aparo, duh!)...

...But also because it shows Oliver once again looking like a frakk-up in front of Batman...

...And actual word balloons on a cover!!!...

..."PLUS?"...SPOILER ALERT--It's Two-Face!!

Pretty perfect cover, is all I'm sayin'...

Tuesday, November 29, 2016

Hell Hath No Fury...

Nazi fifth columnists are trying to disrupt U.S. industry--they're collapsing mines by sabotage, trying to get the works to strike for safety reasons!!

And if that wasn't enough reason for Namor to get involved...



OK, now it's on!!

Well, of course Namor rescues the miners, and catches the bad guys. Only he has a special punishment planned for them...




Uh-oh...

Oh, Namor, you're such a little boy...

The story doesn't tell us what state the enraged women left the saboteur in...

From Sub-Mariner Comics #2 (1941)