Thursday, October 27, 2016

This Would Never Happen If Jarvis Were In Charge!

The Hulk is at a fancy soiree (don't ask), and he's about to learn the hard way:

If you want to get good service in cafe society, you have to be aggressive!!

From Incredible Hulk #142 (1971)

Your Tax Dollars At Work--Will Eisner Wants You To Clean And Lube Your Rifle!!

The M16A1 Operations And Preventative Maintenance Manual is from 1969

Wednesday, October 26, 2016

Paul Revere Rode A Wooley Mammoth?!?

Get ready for a fierce defense against an invasion...and some a lot of gratuitous ethnic stereotyping!

With the help of Mr. Mind and his "floating island," the Nazis are about to take Scotland!

Of course, Billy escapes--seriously, I could make a bundle going back in time to Golden Age Fawcett City and selling tear-proof gags--but the smart worm has a plan to stop Captain Marvel:


Not so fast, Mind!

But while he's distracted, the island has landed...and the Panzer invasion of Scotland has begun!!

Well, what can be done?

Dude, if you need him, maybe you shouldn't call him ugly...

I'm, pretty sure my history teachers never told us about this...

And of course, well, it's time to continue the calumny that the Scottish are cheap:

Oh, it's all in good fun--they're our allies!

FACT: A woolly mammoth can totally throw and smash a Nazi tank.

By the way, did we mention that the Scots are cheap?


From Captain Marvel Adventures #35 (1944)

Tuesday, October 25, 2016

Best Cover You've Never Seen--Space Action #2 (1952)

Cover by Lou Cameron (probably...).

Allow me to note that it's a good thing that our space guy is wearing a reflective visor, otherwise we'd never know what was happening here! I kid, I kid, it's a time-honored and fun motif.

Secondly, no scene even vaguely resembling this happens anywhere in the comic. So another proud tradition upheld!!

Finally, let us praise the power of adjectives! These are "unusual planetary adventures," as opposed to the usual planetary adventures!! Of course, the "weird threat of the space giants" is much more frightening than the normal and every day threat of the space giants. And the monsters from Galaxy X wouldn't be nearly as frightening if they weren't silicon monsters!

However, calling your tales "terrible" was probably a mistake, and might explain why there were only three issues in this series...

Monday, October 24, 2016

Manic Monday Triple Overtime--#TakeBackTheCostume!!

Steve Rogers has publicly announced that he is retiring as Captain America!

So what's the first thing to happen?

Idiots crawl out of the woodwork!

Heck, commercial enterprises are even trying to get in on the game!

Man, it looks like the U.S. government should have done a better job of trademarking the uniform and shield, eh?

From Tales Of Suspense #96 (1967)

Manic Monday Bonus--Kirk Didn't Invent Kirking Computers!!

We've talked before about the pop sci-fi practice of "Kirking" computers--using illogic or emotion or impossible questions to cause them to physically explode, ending the threat.

Hey, it's a nice conceit if you're afraid of being replaced by machines--there are simple, even childish things that our brains can handle, that computers simply can't! See, we are superior!!

Of course, the practice began well before James Tiberius Kirk was outfoxing Microsoft's best...hell, it's probably been going on as long as computers have existed in fiction.

Here's one example from 1951. Captain Reynolds of the space dreadnought Starling--because of course future Earth names their most deadly & powerful warships after tiny birds--is certain the Venusians are smuggling something to Polaris (whom we beat in the last galactic war). But what?

Yes, Earth won the war, so only Earth gets to have computers!! That will teach you to lose a war to us, inferior cultures!

But Reynolds is onto something, as the Polarans have been smuggling in the build their own thought machines!!

Wow. They invented Siri. Big deal...

Unfortunately, the thinking machine is kinda indestructible...and kind of contemptuous of Captain Reynolds!

Great laugh.

So, in the great tradition of "computers are so smart that they're actually stupid," Reynolds decide to Kirk the thought machine, more than a decade and a half before Star Trek:

Too bad the Polarans didn't have tech support on speed dial...

Yes, Because that's how computers work.

All hail the triumph of man over machine!!

From Strange Adventures #12 (1951), as reprinted in From Beyond The Unknown #2 (1969)

Manic Monday--How The Wedding Of The Century Won WWII!!

Do you want to know the real cause of Hitler's death?

Captain Marvel and Professor Sufoog have discovered an alternate Earth in the Macroverse (we're just an atom to them!):

Oh, dear, this is going to make Bizarro World looking straightforward, isn't it?

Well. Hitler Reltih has a secret plan to beat England Dnalgne!

Fortunately, the Big Red Cheese has a way to stop Reltih's plan!!

And so...

Holy moly!

After they return home...

One year later, Hitler was dead. Prove that it wasn't because Captain Marvel killed Reltih!!

From Captain Marvel Adventures #35 (1944)